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Hollay

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Failure [Aug. 26th, 2013|02:03 pm]
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[Current Location |Canada, Edmonton]

Today I had to look at the form for loan repayment assistance..

It was not supposed to be like this, I am so angry at everything and I just want to be selfish and blame all of this on something so I can make sense of it but what am I supposed to blame this on.

I am failing, I worked hard and have a university degree and “am so employable” according to everyone, but here I am feeling guilty because I had to spend some of my last amount of money to buy my sister a birthday gift. And turning down my friends because I don’t want to spend the gas money to hang out with them. And being irrationally angry every time someone in this house buys something.

The longer this goes on the more I begin to doubt myself and hate myself, I desperately want and need a job but at the same time I desperately do not because I feel like I went to school for four years and know nothing and I’m going to be absolutely fucking terrible at everything. I’m sinking and feel sick knowing my parents are supporting me and I just cry now for no reason because I’m so unhappy with everything.

I feel like I’ve failed optimistic Holly, the one that was so excited to graduate and actually be a nurse is gone and now I’m just left with Holly who can’t look at herself in the mirror and tries to sleep all day to avoid seeing everyone else who has a life.

I am trying so hard and everything is getting worse.
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Still nothing. [Jun. 22nd, 2013|03:44 pm]
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[Current Location |Canada, Leduc]
[My Emotion |melancholymelancholy]

Still no callbacks or job interviews, despite continuing to apply for gazillions. Eventually they must run out of other people to hire?

So I've been playing a lot of games and doing a lot of knitting, right now I'm making my sister a silk lace loop scarf. It's very pretty so far and I love the purple colour she picked. So I'm staying busy just.. poor.
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Hmm. [May. 10th, 2013|02:08 pm]
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[Current Location |Canada, Leduc]
[My Emotion |melancholymelancholy]

Well, still no callbacks or jobs pending... It really is incredibly aggravating to struggle and plow through a very difficult four year degree, all the while having everyone praise you and promise you employment galore, then to get to the end and find nothing. No one wants you.

I went out for bubble tea Tuesday(?) with my nursing friends, and it was comforting to find out everyone else is in the same boat. Perhaps I should just focus on studying for my RN exam in June for now, and then get back into job focus afterwards. I don't know. I'm still feeling really demoralized and a little bit hopeless. I feel like I can't move on until I'm nursing, and now I'm starting to second guess all my plans and doubt myself again.

Must not engage in yarn buying therapy.
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Now What. [May. 5th, 2013|03:38 am]
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[Current Location |Canada, Alberta, Devon]

I have had this livejournal since I was 13. It has gone through some weird shit with me. And now I am completely done university, have my Bachelors of Science in Nursing, and am an adult. I just have no clue where to go from here.

Finding a job has been difficult, to say the least. Which is really bothersome, when it had been beat into my brain my entire life how we need nurses! Even the unit I did my final practicum at, which was stroke rehabilitation, can't hire me, they have no funding. Sigh. So all my life plans really are on hold until I can find that illusive nursing job.

On the bright side, I did just spend a week in Ottawa again with my Ryan, and this time nothing went wrong and I did nothing stupid. It was glorious but way too short.

Also finally got my family physician to send a consult to urology about my kidney stones, so we will see where that goes.

Anyhow, there is my quick life update. (God I should really be sleeping)

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Exhausted. [Dec. 11th, 2012|02:53 am]
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[Current Location |Canada, Alberta, Devon]

Exhausted not just because its 3am, but I have made it through clinical! Obviously. Just a quick update, I am pretty much on Christmas break now, Ryan wasn't able to come here for Christmas it is too expensive, but I am so planning to go back to Ottawa in the spring. I cannot wait :D

I should probably sleep now, though. It had been a long six weeks.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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I Hate Clinical. [Nov. 8th, 2012|09:05 pm]
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[Current Location |Canada, Leduc]
[My Emotion |stressedstressed]

I really, truly do. Okay I didn't mind my N391 clinical rotation last year at the Royal Alex, I rather enjoyed that unit. But this N491 clinical rotation is only two weeks in and it's already killing me. I just want to curl up in my bed and hide until January. Or at least until December 11th.

Cardiology is pretty interesting and the staff on my unit are fantastic, I find the learning curve is extremely high though and I still feel like I'm stumbling around and can't quite figure everything out. Let alone worry about all the other pieces of clinical rotations, like the assignments and learning goals and now this -incredibly- idiot 'leadership week' stuff which is basically a fancy way of saying you get to do a fuck ton more work and yay stress. I am already so very tired.

My instructor is what makes this rotation the most stressful. She knows everything about cardiology I swear, and her expectations continuously make it seem like we should as well, as 4th year nursing students. That kind of pressure is overwhelming. That's enough of my daily rant though.

Holly.
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Back in the Hospital... Again. [Nov. 4th, 2012|10:07 pm]
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[Current Location |Canada, Leduc]
[My Emotion |sadsad]

5th hospital visit tonight in the last two months. Got a bigger prescription of oxycodone and a couple other meds to see if they help, because the doctor has no idea what's wrong with me and why I'm having so much bladder pain. :( So very tired of all this and just want to be healthy again, especially with me being in the middle of my NURS 491 hospital practicum right now. I don't have the option to take sick days, I could get away with possibly one or two but that's really about it.

Sigh.
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The Fuck? [Oct. 30th, 2012|11:17 pm]
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[My Emotion |annoyedannoyed]

It completely baffles me why am I sitting here doing homework for my third day of clinical orientation tomorrow, on things that are completely supplemental and not necessary for me to work on the unit. I already don't have a lot of free time and am completely exhausted, and my brain is completely full of information that I'm desperately trying to hold on to for Thursday. This is impossible. And it really bothers me when instructors do this.

I don't understand why the faculty did not realize this already and get it through their brains that maybe they should not overwhelm us in the first few days. I have another 6 weeks of clinical for all that to occur. Bah.

Holly.
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Happy Halloween! [Oct. 30th, 2012|12:21 am]
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[Current Location |Canada, Leduc]
[My Emotion |tiredtired]

I'm so proud of this pumpkin that I had to post him on my livejournal. Didn't take me very long to make him, if you're interested in the pattern you can check out my project page here: Ravelry - Tiny Crochet Pumpkin

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Perfect Life is Not So Perfect [Oct. 29th, 2012|10:09 pm]
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[Current Location |Canada, Leduc]
[My Emotion |worriedworried]

Okay, my life is actually pretty much perfect, as far as life goes. So, dating Ryan has been probably the best relationship I have ever been in, he really is incredible. I would go into more details but I would just make myself sound like a complete moron and hey, I already do that enough without trying right? I randomly decided in mid September to fly to Ottawa at the end of my tutorial class on October 17 and spend 5 days with him. Best trip of my life, I am so glad I spontaneously booked that flight. It was a long weekend of cuddling, computer games, sex, grocery shopping, visiting Parliament Hill, farmers market shopping, more sex. Totally perfect. I love that man with every piece of me. Geh.

Oh, it also included hospital visits and two ambulance rides.

I don't think I've updated this since I started school, so at the beginning of September I ended up in the ER in Devon with severe pain in my right side, the doctor determined it was kidney stones, I got painkillers and 2000mL of IV fluids over 2 hours and they sent me home, the next morning I had an ultrasound and it was in fact kidney stones. Don't know if I ever passed them or not, but I don't have any more pain in my right side so that's a good sign.

Anyways, back to the main story. I woke up that Sunday at Ryan's and just didn't feel well so I walked around and went to the bathroom, and then felt a million times worse (hardcore pain in my lower left side) so I woke up Ryan and tried to kind of wait it out at home, he was really awesome and kept bringing me drinks of water and being super sweet. After a while I couldn't take it anymore, and since I couldn't walk to the bus and Ryan doesn't have a car, he called an ambulance for me. The ambulance guys were really great and pumped me full of pain meds while me and Ryan waited 8 hours at the hospital for the doctor to tell us that he didn't know what was wrong, but there were a ton of stones in each of my kidneys and one that was stuck at the entrance from my ureter to my bladder. Which was obviously causing the pain but that doctor was a moron.

So Ryan and I went home, the doctor didn't prescribe me anything for pain/infection/whatever, so we ate and I took a long nap and when I woke up I felt absolutely horrible again, worse than I had even earlier that day, I tried to wait it out again but after a few hours Ryan suggested we go back, and honestly the look on his face kind of confirmed that I should, I've never seen him look that worried before it broke my heart. So we went back and waiting 6 hours to see a doctor again, this time I at least got an IV and some morphine. This doctor was so much better and actually gave me answers about the stuck stone by my bladder, and actually gave me a prescription for oxycodone. Which is like the best narcotic ever.

I was in the hospital last Wednesday/Thursday as well back in Devon, getting IV fluids and antibiotics, I passed the stone Wednesday night (see Facebook for photo :P) but I guess it gave me a pretty bad infection. So I've been feeling rather shitty.

Ryan is amazing though. He is everything I've ever wanted. I'm really worried about him at the moment though, he is short on money for his rent this month and I'm not sure what he's going to do. I want to help but I need to save what I have left for my tuition and to take a healthcare course that is being offered at the hospital. I wish I was working and making enough money that he could come live with me in the city and work here and things would be normal and good. I want to be able to make his life happy, and there just isn't much I can do while he's still living in Ottawa. I've been trying to brainstorm ideas for quick money so he will be able to make his rent, I just don't know what to do. I am incredibly worried though, I love him.

I started orientation for my N491 clinical today, I'm working in cardiac medicine. I hate clinical, I still hate school, but I'm kind of looking forward to this placement I think it'll be really interesting. And it's the last real clinical I have before I graduate so how can I not be a little bit excited? :)

This is the longest LJ entry I have made since I used to ramble when I was like, 16. Dear god.

Holly.
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