||[Aug. 26th, 2013|02:03 pm]
Today I had to look at the form for loan repayment assistance..
It was not supposed to be like this, I am so angry at everything and I just want to be selfish and blame all of this on something so I can make sense of it but what am I supposed to blame this on.
I am failing, I worked hard and have a university degree and “am so employable” according to everyone, but here I am feeling guilty because I had to spend some of my last amount of money to buy my sister a birthday gift. And turning down my friends because I don’t want to spend the gas money to hang out with them. And being irrationally angry every time someone in this house buys something.
The longer this goes on the more I begin to doubt myself and hate myself, I desperately want and need a job but at the same time I desperately do not because I feel like I went to school for four years and know nothing and I’m going to be absolutely fucking terrible at everything. I’m sinking and feel sick knowing my parents are supporting me and I just cry now for no reason because I’m so unhappy with everything.
I feel like I’ve failed optimistic Holly, the one that was so excited to graduate and actually be a nurse is gone and now I’m just left with Holly who can’t look at herself in the mirror and tries to sleep all day to avoid seeing everyone else who has a life.
I am trying so hard and everything is getting worse.